Grand Theft TARDIS
by DPtheMan
Summary: what happens when two friends get a hold of the TARDIS? Hilarity ensues
1. I Stole the TARDIS

"You're taking the TARDIS to North Korea to settle a bar bet!" Alice yelled at me as we entered the TARDIS. It was our first time in the TARDIS, neither of us were interested in its size.

"Yeah why not" I yelled back as I pulled some random lever on the console. "Trust me, I'm the doctor"

"You are not! You stole the TARDIS, and put on eccentric clothing, even your own girlfriend won't travel with you" Alice yelled back, telling the truth.

"Well, she is a home body. And I'm the doctor" I replied. That's not quite accurate, I ran into the doctor, literally, and ended up with some of his memories. Then, when he was arrested after a NYPD stop and frisk, I took the TARDIS. So what better way to use it than to go settle at argument I had had about North Korean nuclear weapons. Anyways,

"Bonziiii" u said as I pulled a switch and nothing happened.

"I think you done it wrong" Alice replied taking a seat

"ummmm, ok" I looked around the control counsel, everything looked right.

"soooooooo" she responded

"oww the e brake" and at that I released a lever and we shot through space, and we had to grab the hand rails

"you idiot who told you how to drive this thing"

"no one, I'm kind of guessing" I admitted

"what" she yelled " why did i get in this box with you"

"YOLO" I yelled

"I have standards" she squeaked

I slowly opened the door and looked around quickly. Looked like an underground bunker, and the writing on the walls looked like it was Korean. "Bingo" I whispered

"What?" Alice practically yelled back at me

"Quite, there might be guards nearby" I hushed her with

"Wait you actually flew us to North Korea" she squeaked as she stood with me and looked out

"fly is the right word" if pulled out the sonic screw driver I had taken too, and it began making a weird popping sound and flashed read in one direction " it's more materialize, don't you remember what we talked about in our extraterrestrial club"

" yeah the club where you taught us how to cheat at blackjack" we began following the red lights on the screwdriver, " speaking of witch why did you not invite other club members"

"A, card counting is not cheating, B, Because they went home and I got a bet to settle" I replied hanging a left

"Why did I come with you" she asked again

"Because you love a tough man in uniform" I said as we were surrounded by Kalashnikov wielding North Koreans.

"I have standards"

"try to steal eah nuckks" a North Korean officer asked

"Actually I just wanted to see if you could put them on a missiles but now that you mention it" i retorted.

"American spy good Korean" he responded

"Actually I'm just a tourist" i replied

"SILENCE! " the officer screamed at me " you think we just let you steal nuke"

"Well I was hoping for a tour and a look at them" I replied

"owww we have funny man" the officer yelled to his four goons then he punched me in the face

"Dam, at least by me dinner before you get kinkey with me" I replied

"Soon you will meet Glorious Jim Jong Un" the officer left and stormed out, all but one of his goons following him

"We are prisoners of the North Koreans" Alice squeaked

"Danger zone" I yell as loud as possible.

A few minutes later I leaned next to Alice and whispered " flirt with the guard it might be our chance to escape"

"no, I have standards" she yelled back.

"The Doctor" Kim Jong un walked into the room.

"Hey Kim, how does it feel to be the one fat kid in an entire country" I replied

"This new version of you is quite rude, and young, they're going to have teenagers playing you before long" Kim replied

"oww shit" I said

"That's right, you're in Masters Playhouse now" he said

"That sounds so wrong," I replied, "you really should have put no homo at the end of that"


	2. Big Trouble in Little North Korea

"Oww my god, why did I let you drag me into this" Alice screamed at me

"Relax I'm the doctor" I said confidently

"No James, you just stole the doctor's keys" she yelled

"Wait what" the Master/Kim yelled,

"Yeah long story, so how about you give us a quick tour of the nukes and send us on our merry way" I added helpfully

However the Master had already left and ordered soldiers to search the base for a blue box. Leaving us alone in the room with all of our effects on the table, including the sonic screwdriver.

"What a bunch of dumb asses" I said as I pushed my chair towards the table where our effects were.

"They seriously did that" Erin asked

"I know what morons," I said as I soniced my handcuffs and then soniced Erin " I soniced you" I joked as the handcuffs fell of her. "and now i have released you from bondage"

I quickly peaked out the door and realized that no one was looking; going through the door I muttered that I only thought guards were that dumb only in fiction

We started running down the hall when an unsuspecting guard rounded the courier

"Boarding" I yelled as my elbow met his head, and his head met the contrite wall, and his brain met the side if his skull. And then his whole unconscious body hit the floor.

"What are you doing?" Erin asked as I pulled the soldiers belt of and removed the magazines.

"This is not an action movie these things only hold 30 bullets" I said as I stuffed everything I wanted on my belt or in my tweed shooting jackets pockets, grabbed the Kalashnikov and started running again.

I might have concentrated my stat points on run and technobabble and running but I still had a good spread in some other skills making me a diverse character. However, Alice could have put some more points in run and less in high heels and makeup.

We had to take the next left, I was in the lead, but three North Koreans came around the corner. I pushed the fire selector to the middle and blindly let loose a spray of automatic fire and we both rounded the corner

"You just killed those three" Erin said

"No way I was spraying and praying as I ran" I replied

"Yeah you did you got all three of them" she insisted and I took a look back to see that I had got them

"Nice I'm like Rambo in tweed with a bow tie" as I said that a soldier came up a set of stairs next to Alice. She slammed her foot down on his and pushed him down the stairs when he tried to grab her.

"Let's split up, go down that service stairwell 4 flights, then take a left the TARDIS is somewhere around there" I said as I took a position to hit the soldier chasing us. The first on that ran forward I shot, he crumpled holding his stomach and I was off running being chased by a bunch of angry Koreans.

At the stairs I let loose a burst of automatic fire to cover me jumping over the railing, I nearly slammed my head into the wall when I landed, it did not work as well as the movies. Empting the rest of the magazine up the stairs to cover me, I took off running down them as fast as possible

At the bottom of the stairs was a door. I took the single grenade that was in my pocket, pulled the pin and threw it up and behind me then slammed the door.

"Ready to go?" i ask as Alice arrives at the TARDIS.

"Yeah" she said winded, " but what do you think the master is doing here" she asked as we entered the TARDIS"

"don't know but what I saw from my quick tour of the bombs they had, he has not been miniaturizing them so they can be put on missiles. I won that bar bet " I answered as i started adjusting knobs.

"Come out of that box or we will open fire" the Korean officer yelled

"So I was thinking we should go a week in the future and get the lottery numbers" I answered flipping the big lever. As we started to dematerialize as bullets harmlessly bouncing of the TARDIS


	3. Elysium for Gangsters

"Seriously who taught you how to fly this thing" Alice yelled as we were thrown around the interior of the TARDIS

"I don't know, I bumped heads with him and just saw some of his memories" I yelled back and at that the TARDIS stopped moving and we hit heads.

"Oww that hurt, " Alice complained, I laid still on the floor shocked by the memories that had flooded my head "James, you ok" she asked coming to look at me"

"God" I sat up " that guy is a pimp daddy"

"Who"

"The doctor, the first time, he was an old fart"

"James are you ok, is this like the time that pimp slapped you with his cane?"

"And the ladies he brought on board. well let's see, marry, cool but a friend figure, cute who knew how to party she left for a Trojan." At that I paused from my dancing and counting on my fingers to give Alice a wicked grin " then a Trojan that died for the doctor, a goody two shoes with face that was weird but you could not place why, then the blond" I stopped, these were not my own emotions but I felt them so strongly " and they're all gone" I concluded

"are you ok, " Alice asked

"Yeah just feels weird" I reply "anyways let's get the numbers then get home to win some money"

We walked out the door onto cobble stone streets. Around us Mediterranean stone building rose and a statue with a laurel of victory stared down at us.

"Where not in NYC" Alice said

"Really" I replied

"Well we are not" Alice replied putting her hands on her hips

"Well it looks like we are in Rome so do as the Romans do " I replied as we started walking away from the TARDIS

"What are you doing"

"Going to find priceless artifacts" I replied

At that I walked up the exposed staircase to the top of the building. What I found their surprised me, I saw that we were in a dome, and outside of it Mars. We were on the south side of the dome and the tallest buildings seemed to be at the center

Running back down the stairs I passed Alice who asked what I was doing

"When in Rome on Mars do as Martian Romans do" I continued northwards up the road.

"Martian romans?" she replied

"Yeah" I said " I wonder what type of cool stuff they have"

"Space Roman stuff" she replied

"Yeah maybe their legionnaires have light sabers"

As I said that we came to a square. Across from us in the square were a bunch of men in purple togas sitting on their porches

"What's that sound?" Erin asked as loud auto tuned music was heard

_Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo_

_Aureli pathice et cinaebe furi_

"I guess they developed rap music" I told her as a chariot rushed into the square

On the chariot where men in red who started throwing spears at the men in purple, who ducked for cover at the sight of the men in red. The drive by was over in a matter of seconds and two men lay dead.

"Those foul Julii are on our turf" one of the men in purple

"Yeah man we got to protect our turf"

"They won just mess with the Aburia"

"That's right south Rome baby"

"So when in Martian gangster Rome do as the gangster roman Martians do," i suggested as i pushed north towards the city center

As we continued walking men in purple robes starred at us. After only ten minutes one stood in front of us with a drawn sword

who the canis exprimamus" are you he asked pointing he sword at me

"Some travelers" Alice replied

"You do not have the colors of any of the gangs" he replied" who you aligned with"

"I'm allied to myself" I replied

"Who are you?" he asked eyes narrowing

" im omnia superabat asinus tuus," I replied " but call me Awesomesss"

" im omnia superabat asinus tuus?" he looked confused " what does that mean, and be quick or I will part your head"

"This" I stepped past him and drew the Makarov I had taken in Korea and shot his posterior

"You're not very good at making friends" Alice said as we got closer to the city center

"What people love me"

"Really why?"

"Because I have a great sense of humor"


	4. We who are about to die, prefer not to

At the center of the dome we came to a massive forum. All around us citizens gathered in different colored robes. Those around us were dressed in green stared at us as we entered the plaza. Everyone gave us massive space as we entered. The crowd became silent as the consul took his place to speak

"Rome bros, and Rome Bordet's" he paused for impact "I got some cacus to tell you. The Julii have started a turf war with the Aburia" their where boos from all the audience except one area. It was then I noticed the crowed was separated by color.

"The Julii have been so aggressive, we must all crush them all" a man in blue robes yelled from one of the forum steps

"The prophecy, outsiders" people around us started to yell, the crowed suddenly surged around us and grabbed us unaware. We were then drag bodily up the steps

"By Jupiter this man" a purple robe appeared on the forum "struck Cassio with a magic weapon that has disabled him"

"As Apollo foretold us" the Counsel announced "strangers would come and aggravate the turf wars, now by the decrees of Hecate the Julii must defeat them in the arena"

"it's simple we kill the Julii" I told Alice, still playing with the sword they gave me.

"You are big in to the kill thing now" she responded

"I have the memories of an ancient psychopathic genocidal ego maniac in my head what does killing a few space gangster romans matter? " I responded as the elevator into the Arena began to rise "hear have the second Makarov I took, it will be easy"

"I prefer a little less lethal" Alice responded pulling her Taser out of her purse.

"Suit yourself" I replied

Went the elevator reached the arena we saw that an artificial river with sharks and small islands split it in two. On each side was a pile of shields and a few racks of spears. In the bleachers on are side was a mass of different colors. But the other half was a sea of red 30,000 strong.

"It will be easy you said" Alice yelled at me as a spear hit her shield. About 30 enemies were trying to kill us with throwing all their spears. So we took up shields and where as far back as possible in the Arena.

"See these guys are idiots and are not using covering fire to advance" I yelled back, and at that they ran out of spears. One advantage of roman spears like the ones used is they break after one throw so they cannot be thrown back

"Throw spears at the ones trying to cross and I'll get some shots of" I yelled, grabbing a spear and running up to the shore and throwing it with all my strength

The spear flew wildly of mark and hit the sand on the other side. At that I drew one of the Makarovs and aimed at the closest Julii. The bullet hit his shield sending wooden shards into the air. Some of the Julii fell into the water in panic where they were quickly devoured by sharks.

Some of Alice's spears met their mark dropping Julli or knocking them into the water. Every time a Julii fell another from the stands jumped down to take his place. In this manor we were able to keep them of our side until we ran out of ammo and spears.

Then they flooded onto the shore. I drew my sword to meet the first oncoming Julii. Our swords crashed together and mine went flying out of my hands into the water

"What are you doing?" Alice asked as she knocked one Julii into the water and disemboweled another with her sword.

"I'm bad with swords" I yelled as I scrambled backwards to avoid being stabbed. " I practically need to roll a 20 to hit"

"I noticed" she yelled falling two more opponents as I found a shield and tied to smash my opponent with it.

"Boarding" I yelled as I charged with the shield and pushed him into the water.

At that point the Julii where trying to surround Alice.

"We got to Jump the shark I yelled" grabbing Alice's hand

"I thought we already did" she yelled as we leapt over a shark on to an island

We now stood alone her with a sword and me with a shield on an Island surrounded by what now looked like 50 angry Julii

"Now what" Alice squeaked at me

" I have an idea"


	5. She's on Everything

"We'll that was easy" I said as we casually strolled into e TARDIS

"Yeah" Alice agreed "that was good thinking"

"One of my better plans, if I do say so myself" and at that I flipped a switch and we demineralized

"You got a lot better at driving" Alice said

"It's because I'm going slower" I replied

"You have been speeding the whole time" Alice squeaked

"No, to North Korea was figuring out how to ride and to Mars was seeing what this puppy will do. it's like a motorcycle, it's more fun if you ride hard" I paused for a moment looking at a flashing light "yes code red let's go!" I yelled as I flicked some switches and pulled a lever.

"We are going to a disaster" Alice yelled

"No a party" I yell " I Love parties"

"James, why are their Korean nuclear weapons in the closet" Alice yelled at me she was looking through the dresses

"Because I had to store them somewhere" I yelled _just get something already_

"Why did you take them?"

"Would you leave a bunch of nukes in the Master's possession" I replied "plus I had plenty of time waiting for you to catch up"

"I hope they have food, I'm hungry" She said

"You're always hungry"

Out of the TARDIS we found ourselves in a stone hallway where a butler waited for us.

"Right this way sir and madam" he said in a stiff English accent

We shrugged and fallowed him in the touch lit hallway. What sounded like dub step music was played softly? At the end of it we came to a great hall. The table was clear and all the table seats were filled except for two. All around the room there were statues of knights with swords six in total.

"Yes our last two gests have arrived" said the man at the head of the table as he stood. On his head was a crown that reflected an impossible rainbow.

The last two seats moved on out on tracks. When we sat they slid back to the table. Then the crowned man at the head of the table gave some speech about how happy he was about us coming to be in the festivities. On each side of the table where six guests. All of them except for the two of us where dressed in similar cloths with bright colored jackets with gold buttons. The room had an amazing amount of symmetry.

On ending his speech food rose on elevators in the table, and a translucent soundproof bubble shield went around each diner. I pulled out the sonic screwdriver and soniced the shield, someday I will figure out what those flashing light mean. The meal that rose in front of me consisted of a soup, and goblet of some clear liquid. In the soup floated red mushrooms with red spots.

Fly agaric mushroom, a hallucinogenic mushroom that is responsible for flying reindeer stories, also found in the Mario video games._ Go figure._ Across from me Alice was eating the soup with her veracious appetite and chugging the liquid. I did not touch my food and waited for the second course.

The second course turned out to be cocaine. "Some party" I commented as I watched Alice do cocaine like a Wall Street executive. After a few more minutes the elevator returned with a pistol that looked like it had shrunken Dalek gun stick on it.


	6. Kind of Like Gatsby's Parties, But Not

It was a crazy gunfight. Everyone was trying to shoot everyone else but the pistols had annoyingly long charge times. I killed my neighbor on the left first and took his pistol. Then took a quick hit of cocaine that landed on the floor as I ducked, waiting for the two pistols to recharge.

"DIE, DIE" Alice screamed as she tried to shoot me and missed. I fired both pistols at opponents as jumped over the table. I grabbed her Taser out of her purse and shot Alice with it. the only person still in a shield was the head of the table, that psychopathic host. A few more shots and only he and I stood.

"Finish the game" came from the load speakers

"What?" I ask looking around and came the realize that the host was holding some sorts of microphone

He talked into it and again that voice came over the speakers "finish the game Doctor and kill your companion"

"You must be tripping" I casually fired both pistols at the shield as I said this, both of their blasts were absorbed.

"No Doctor, the game must finish. Only one from each pair can survive" the voice told me

"And what is to stop me from just grabbing her and walking out?" I ask

"We will make you" he responded

At that an annoying tone sounded from the speakers and he announced again "the game must be finished, kill her"

"Nice try" I replied

"You must finish it, I am the host" he screamed looking confused

"Really" I said firing both pistols at his shield "because if I remember correctly, Dalek weapons can pierce shields with enough shots.

"Butler" the voice called and I looked around to see the butler running from the hallway. I fired at him with both pistols, killing the chandler in the hallway, god those things where inaccurate at anything other than smell each other's breath range. It ended when I hit his leg and he dropped with my second shot.

As I looked the host of the party ran down a hallway and I gave chase. At the end of the hallway I caught up to him and pointed one of the pistols at him

"You would not kill me at my party" he asked referencing the packed banquet hall that he was backpedaling into.

I fallowed him and dropping the pistols by my side and said "your little game better be over"

"Lady's, gentlemen, both and once and neither all the time, let me introduce the natural enemy of the Daleks and the winner of my last game, The Doctor" at that a spotlight shone on me. All around me the crowed of guests stared at me and the butlers that served these rich people where identical to the one I had killed in the back room. At the back of this strange banquet hall you could look down onto a planet.

"What is this place?" I asked.

"We are in an asteroid that is orbiting a planet the Dalek's are based out of now, my parties are always packed with the wealthiest and most powerful." The host replied.

He turned back to the crowed "We are honored to have him hear, and we get to watch one of his companions die" he made a hand motion and one of the butlers started for the hallway we entered from.

_Why did I leave her_?

"Doctor it's the game, you have to kill the person you came with across from yourself. I let us see what a person is made of" The host replied smiling "you just messed it up by shooting everyone and stunning your companion"

"I won't do it" I replied, "I'm the Doctor" the crowed watched are exchange with rapture

"Oww, we will make you, it might just be a bonding experience between us" the Host replied

"You will not and call off your goon" I yelled, pointing the pistol in my right at his face

"You would not, you're the Doctor, you don't do such things, that's what will make you killing her so entertaining" he replied with a wicked smile

"Clearly you don't know the Doctor, I am the greatest killer in the universe, I have killed so many committed genocide on own people" at that I shot him in the face and fired blindly at one of the


	7. Exterminate The Dance Floor

So after killing that host I started firing on the butlers clones that where rushing me. They did not make a sound as the blue streaks hit them and scrambled their organs. Their faces where masks as they died. All around us the rich party goers screamed as I calmly kill. Maneuvering to avoid a tackle I blast two more. One of my shots missed a butler and hit the single mirror on the wall. The shot bounced of it and struck a guest. An old memory of the doctor using a mirror to kill a Dalek resurfaced. I blasted the last of the butlers and stood on stage unopposed.

"Lend me your ears" I said speaking into a microphone to the cowering guests "the doctor is not the cute little raggedy man you think he is." At that I shot two random people to get my point across " you, all of you exist at my pleasure, and that pleasure can be finicky"

"Your new incarnation is a dick. Doctor" a old man in a military uniform replied

"Someone get this man a chicken dinner!" I yelled pointing at him. At that moment the doors hear the shield to see the planet down below opened. Out rushed a mob of red shirted soldiers all wielded larger Dalek gun sticks and opened fire on me. I ran for the large mirror and returned fire.

Grabbing the mirror I laid it across a hallway beside it. sliding behind the mirror I pulled out my sonic screwdriver. First I soniced the door at the far end of the hallway to lock it, no need to have enemy's on both sides, then I turned the sonic screwdriver on the sound system. I turned the sound system up so it would broadcast the position down the Dalek below us. a chilling EXTERMINATE fed back on the audio

With that mission accomplished I started blindly firing over the top of the mirror as their shots bounced of the mirror. I quickly discovered the issue with the gun stick pistols. They quickly burnt through their energy source and were useless.

I was down to one pistol and a few shots when the Daleks arrived. The red shirts panicked and fired wildly as sounds of blasts and EXTERMINATE echoed from the room. I took the confusion as a chance to unlock the door with the sonic screwdriver. I ran through it as I touched of my last shots at some red shirts that where jumping over the mirror.

I ran down the stairs I found with no idea of where I was going. I rounded a corner and there was the TARDIS and Alice.

"Took you long enough" she said, she looked tired but her eyes were clear.

"You were on a trip last I saw you" I replied

"I took the TARDIS, took a day to sober up and came back for you," she replied

"Smart" I replied as I got in the TARDIS

"And stole their cocaine, why leave a huge narcotic profit on the table" and at that she pulled the lever and we dematerialized


End file.
